IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: Whats the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isnt any difference; its all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then Id like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. Its my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: Youve got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: Ill check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesnt mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We dont have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you havent actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so Ill have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you cant do that. If you buy paint and dont use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you dont, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I dont keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, Paint on sale from $10 a liter signs?

Clerk: Well thats for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! Ill buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I dont think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you wont be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: Thats if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, youll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, well charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe youre getting it now, sir.

Customer: Youre insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.