The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said:
Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by
offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned
you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
Can I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little
change…

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck
tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to
buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin and dealin they settled
for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and
he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, Did you remember to light the candle
under the pot?

A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
And on the third day… he began,

No! no! start with the first day! everyone yells out in chorus.

And on the third day, the private continues, she asked me to stop so
she could go to the bathroom…

On the wall of a church was a sign,
If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;
But if youre not, my phone number is 341-3451

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the
meat.

Are you crazy? yelled the customer, You have your hand on my steak!

What? answers the waiter, You want it to fall on the floor again?

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its o.k., he replied, Its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil–The hat check girl puts out!

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other–a star of David.

Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe hed get some more
hand outs.

Get this guy, laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
Trying to teach us how to do business!

A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him
that she couldnt resist and asked him to come up and see her some time.

With pleasure! says the man.

So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to
see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked.

Whats this? the man was shocked.

She smiles and says, I wore my birthday dress for you.

Thats great, he says somewhat embarrassed, But couldnt you have pressed
it first?

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot,
then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about
half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back
and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him
why he didnt throw out the pest.

Oh I dont care. said the waiter with a smile, We dont even have an
air conditioner

A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it,
and decided to swim. She looked around, didnt see anyone, and undressed.
Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the
bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

You could have told me that before I undressed! she scolded him.

Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isnt, he replied.

A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice,
the girl agreed.

And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

Im very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart. Do you know youre on the Staten Island Ferry?