Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Dont read any further unless you are sitting down …



OK?



Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.



Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We havent set the exact date yet, but Im sure it will be before I start to show.



Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you wont mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.



His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.



I guess thats it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know … There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.



However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.



Your loving daughter,



Chelsea



P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and Socks, too!



P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.