In the morning I pour coffee in my travel mug and drink about half of it on my way to work. In the afternoon it is still piping hot. Aint summertime great.

I dont worry about Bill Clinton any more, but those 47 million people who voted for him in 1996 scare me. Theyll still be around long after Bill is gone.

A gentleman always remembers a ladys birthday, but never her age.

I hope no one else famous dies for a few months. I dont think we can take much more of this.

I did not go to Woodstock 69, but I wish I had. I did not go to Woodstock 99 and I am glad I didnt.

Take it from me, I work at a Waffle House, and, Yes, there are many hungry drunks after midnight.

Theyve already spent millions looking for Eric Rudolph, so why wouldnt the FBI just fork out another $39.95 to that company that guarantees it can find anyone in the U.S.?

My weight control specialist got offended when I told him he was the best fat doctor in the city.

Ill never trust a beauty shop that has no mirrors.

Maybe if I could talk to Eleanor Roosevelts ghost, I could be as smart as Hillary.

Source: The Vent column