Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to
return to earth as anyone they want.

The first nun thinks it over and says
Id like to return as Sophia Loren.

St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.

The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollabrigida.

St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida.

The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.

St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia
Pipeline.

At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning
paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men

Q: What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. Theyve never met.

Things are getting so bad that 60 minutes is investigating 20/20.

Mommy, mommy, I dont want to visit grandma today! Shut up and keep digging, boy.

I am reminded…

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he
checks his pockets and leaves his tip–three pennies. As he strides
toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: You know, you
can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.

The man turns around,
curiosity getting the better of him. Oh, really? Tell me, what does
my tip say?

Well, this penny tells me youre a thrifty man. Barely able to conceal
his pride, the man utters Hmm, true enough.

And this penny, it tells me youre a bachelor. Surprised at her
perception, he says, Well, thats true, too.

And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.

London – Following the approval of Viagra by the UKs health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.

Scotland authorities have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals. They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and theyll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!

Two nuns walk into a liqueur store and ask the man at the counter for a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. The clerk tells the nuns that he knows they are not suppose to drink alcohol and he cannot sell them the bottle.

One of the nuns said Its okay. Its for the Mother Superior. You see, shes constipated. So the clerk sells them the brandy.

After locking up the store at closing time, the clerk walks down the street and sees the two nuns are falling down drunk.

The clerk says Sisters, you lied to me. You said that was for Mother Superiors constipation.

The nun replies It is. When she see us, shes going to SHIT.

You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, “Did you know that we are a Fourtune 500 Company?”

And you answer “What track do yall sponsor that race at? I aint been to that one yet.”

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for some gas. As soon as he opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do dont touch it. So the man went up to the guestroom but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster came over he touched the man and said, Youre it!