A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his fathers house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.
As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girls feet.
Whats this, she asked.
Taste it, he replied, If you like it, Ill give you a whole one!
Tres ermitaños, a los que casi no les gusta hablar, se encuentran sentados a la entrada de una cueva; en eso, pasa un caballo a toda prisa. Un año después, el primero de ellos dice:
¡Ah, qué bonito caballo bayo!
Pasa otro año más y el segundo de ellos comenta:
No era bayo, era retinto.
Dos años después, el último de los anacoretas advierte:
¡Donde sigan discutiendo, me largo de aquÃ!
A blonde is in the car with her boyfriend and he asks her to stick her head out the window and tell him if the turn signal is working.
She sticks her head out the window and says, Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise theyd heard last night was.
He replied, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
You could be a redneck if you were just married and you have nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
Polands worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally past away.
Old friends and enemies alike gathered at graveside and consoled or bitched
with each other, as is so often the way. Oh well, at least theyll be
together again… sighed of the the departeds lady friends.
Yes, replied
a childhood friend with a sob, but with which husband?
No silly, said the snide friend, I meant her legs.
{ihnp4,uunet}!philabs!mam philips laboratories
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.Watson replies, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson ponders for a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, its evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.
A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wont ripen. Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and shes getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?
Her neighbor replies,Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do. Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.
She says Well, what the heck it cant hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
So-so, she answers. The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.