Old and New Jokes

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.



The first guy says to the second guy, What do you think we should do?





The second guy says, Lets fire three shots into the air. Its the international distress code.





They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, What do you think we should do now?





The second guy says, Lets fire three more shots into the air.





They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, What do you think we should do now?





The second guy says, Lets fire three more shots into the air.





The first guy says, Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

So youre a feminist…Isnt that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Copied from the Houston Chronicle:

Language changes to reflect cultural shifts. And in this period of skill shortages, flexible work arrangements and global business deals, new workplace jargon was bound to pop up. So youre not caught off-guard at the next corporate luncheon when someone refers their employee as a job vacuum or border crosser, heres a handy reference guide courtesy of Challenger, Gray & Christmas, the Chicago outplacement firm.

Job vacuums:
Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties; show strong work ethic.
Border Crossers:
Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.
Soft benefits:
Nonmonetary enhancements.
People churner:
A bad boss who often is blamed when a company cant retain its key employees.
Protected class:
Rank and file employees with critical job skills.
Boomerang workers:
Retirees returning to their previous employer.
Toxic:
Worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.

yo mamma so fat she got hit dy a bus a said

yall kids stop throwing them rocks!

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for…their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row…all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy…this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael, look what Ive made.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put LIFE on it. Im going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, Whats that one?

Colorado, the most glorious place on Earth. Theres beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Colorado are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and theyre going to be found traveling the world. Theyll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? … You said there will be BALANCE!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiney-assed, arrogant, piss-ants Im putting in Texas!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN? the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the mans broken leg.

Well, doc, 25 years ago …

Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning.

Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started
working on the farm, that night, right after Id gone to bed, the
farmers beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
there was anything I wanted.

I said, No, everything is fine.

Are you sure? she asked.

Im sure, I said.

Isnt there anything I can do for you? she wanted to
know. I reckon not, I replied.

Excuse me, said the doctor, What does this story have to
do with your leg?

Well, this morning, the farmhand explained, when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

Source: Steven Stuart-Doig,
Director, AISS Information Center, University of Illinois At Chicago

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.

Hillary says, Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.

Chelsea says, I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!

Algunos de los mejores (o peores) momentos de la vida son:

Enamorarse… y descubrir que el implicado(a) es homosexual.

Reírse hasta que te duela la panza… y que se te salga una ruidosa flatulencia en medio de todos tus amigos.

Encontrar miles de correos electrónicos cuando vuelves de las vacaciones… pero todos son cadenas aburridas y bobas (como ésta) o publicidad o peor aún, virus del Sircam.

Manejar por algún lugar lindo… y chocar por andar baboseando.

Escuchar tu canción favorita en la radio… porque tu CD player se descompuso.

Acostarte en tu cama y escuchar como llueve afuera… para después sentir las goteras del techo.

Salir de la ducha y encontrar que la toalla está calientita… pero porque tu perro se durmió sobre ella.

Aprobar tu último examen… pero teniéndole que dar un buen billete al maestro.

Recibir una llamada de alguien que hace mucho no ves… para pedirte dinero prestado.

Una buena conversación… con un agente del tránsito que te agarró en la movida.

Reírse de uno mismo… cuando te miras al espejo.

Escuchar accidentalmente que alguien dice que estás guapo(a)… pero quien lo dice es tu mamá.

Escuchar la canción que te hacer recordar a esa persona especial… cuando te acaba de cortar.

Ser parte de un equipo… de asalta microbuses.

El primer beso en los labios… a alguien de tu mismo sexo.

Hacer nuevos amigos… pero entre los amigos de lo ajeno.

Sentir cosquillitas en la panza cada vez que ves a esa persona… cuando otro(a) se la está agasajando sabroso.

Ver felices a las personas que quieres… pero felices porque te vas a mudar a Siberia.

Volver a ver a un viejo amigo y sentir que las cosas no cambiaron… porque los dos siguen igual de pobres.

Mirar un atardecer… sí, el atardecer de tu existencia.

Tener a una pareja que te diga que te quiere… que te quiere mandar al diablo.

Reírse sin motivos… a causa de la esquizofrenia que te está dando.

Este correo-e es para comprobar qué tan supersticioso eres. Si se lo reenvías a más de veinte personas en menos de cinco minutos, te garantizamos que te sacarás la lotería (¡aunque no hayas comprado ningún boleto!). Si no lo haces, alguno de tus hijos se volverá gay. El origen de este correo-e está en indochina, en el siglo XVII y da suerte a quien lo obedece y hace desgraciado a quien lo borra (que no te engañen, en Indochina ya tienen correo electrónico desde ese entonces). ¡En serio, es infalible, le pasó a mi compadre que se encontró un billete de lotería en el piso… y era el premio gordo!