In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: It came with the car when I bought it.

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

– Mark Twain

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Skins say Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes mom too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.

Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play. (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject. (1987)

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.

This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things
are getting pretty hot and heavy.

Put your finger inside me, she asks, and hes only too happy to oblige.

Put another finger inside me, she orders, moaning in pleasure.

Put your whole hand inside me.

Put both hands indide me.

Now clap.

I cant! the guy protests.

Tight, huh? she smiles.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Dont use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so Im calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I dont have a solution but I admire the problem.

Dont be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, Ill have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Dont step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it aint broke, well break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL

C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

Best file compression around: DEL *.* = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud……, James Baud.

Access denied–nah nah na na

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, Look, youve got a lot to live for. Im off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, Ill keep you happy, and youll keep me happy.

The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. What are you doing here? he asked.

I had an arrangement with one of the sailors, she explained. Hes taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me.

He sure did, lady, said the captain. This is the Staten Island Ferry.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentines day. What
do you think it means?

Youll know tonight. he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–to find a book
entitled, The meaning of dreams.

–seen in this months Readers Digest.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincolns secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.

Both names compromise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The newlyweds were undressing, and the wife examined her disrobing husband closely for the first time: Gee, those are funny-looking knees.

Well, explained the husband, when I was a little boy, I caught neasles.

You mean measles, countered the wife.

No, neasles!

Then she looked at his feet and asked why his toes were all out of shape.

When I was young, he said, I had tolio!

The wife quipped, I just hope you didnt have smallcox.

A lawyer defending a manaccused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My client merelyinserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offensecommitted by his limb.""Well put," thejudge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one yearsimprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyersassistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.