A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."

This is a list of humourous linguistics in various languages that
Ive encountered:

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are going Dutch, since the Dutch are well known for their
frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement
op zn Amerikaans (going American) because the Americans are
known for their egalitarian nature!

In English, the bird turkey was named as though it came from Turkey.
In Turkish, the bird is named hindi as though it came from Hindistan,
which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on
the Hindi name of a turkey?)

Also, in Turkish, the word for cannibal is yam yam, pronounced
yum yum as if it tasted good. Really.

French fries arent really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call
them pommes frites or fried apples [of the earth].

In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters.
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallowed a lot of semen.

There was a penguin that was driving his car on a hot summer day, and his car broke down, luckily he was right near a gas station. The penguin stopped and the machanic said he could fix it, but it would be awhile. So the penguin went inside and bought a vanilla icecream cone.The penguins vanilla ice cream melted all over him, so when he was done he cleaned his hands and went to check on his car. When he got out there he asked the machinic if he knew what was wrong with his car, the machanic looked at him and said I think you blew a seal.

And the penguin said, Oh no, that just the vanilla ice cream.

Un hombre lleva a su esposa a una exposición bovina y comienzan a mirar los toros sementales. Al pasar frente al primero, leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 50 veces el año pasado. La esposa entonces le dice al marido:

50 veces al año. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Luego pasan frente al segundo y leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 100 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

100 veces al año, casi 2 veces por semana. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Finalmente, llegan al último semental y el cartel dice Este toro montó 365 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

¡Mira! ¡365 veces al año, todos los días! Sí que podrías aprender de este toro.

Y el marido responde:

¿Y por qué no preguntas si fueron 365 veces con la misma vaca?

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.



3. Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.



4. If you have to vacuum the bed its time to change sheets.



5. Even if youre CERTAIN that you are included in the will … it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.



DINING OUT



1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.



2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME



1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.



2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using ones OWN truck keys.



2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.



3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a womans jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)



1. Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.



2. Be aggressive. Let her know youre interested: Ive been wantin to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.



3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time.



THEATER ETIQUETTE



1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.



2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.



WEDDINGS



1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.



2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.



3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.



4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks & shoes for this special occasion.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.



2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.



3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.



4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Your mommas teeth are so yellow . . .

I cant believe theyre not butter.

Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.

What do you call oral sex with a midget?

A low blow.

The greatest spectacle in sports, The Indy 500 (auto race) will be held next weekend. It is probably the single biggest party in the world (about 500,000 people attend). The race is almost secondary to the general debauchery that occurs. It seems like everyone shows up with a case of Budweiser and an attitude.

They allow spectators into the infield of the track, which is amazing since they cant see a single car the entire time. Those folks go just to party. There is one infamous area of the infield called the Snake Pit, where the motorcycle gangs hang out and cops dont even dare to go in alone.

Being from Indianapolis I have always gone to the race. Our family has the same seats in the stands every year, though Im usually the only one who uses them. Ive always taken my rowdy friends and had a good ole time.

This year, my wife has invited her parents to go with us. This will certainly put a big cramp in my race day style, so I created the following ripoff on Lettermans lists. I hope there are some race fans out there who can appreciate the humor…

TOP 10 Reasons Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Indy 500

10. Two more people to push the car if we run out of gas in the traffic afterwards.
9. The people with seats near ours, who I have terrorized for years, will be *so* impressed at how well behaved I am this year.
8. Three words: Sylvias potato salad
7. Wont have to (get to?) take life threatening trip into the Snake Pit
6. Wont embarrass my wife this year by ripping my shirt off every time I see a SHOW US YOUR TITS sign.
5. With Dan on his book signing tour, the Quayles wont be available anyway.
4. There will be one person at the race who thinks that commentator Sam Posey is actually offering keen insights.
3. Why bother going to the race ever again, anyway, now that Mario is retiring.
2. For the next 40 years Ill get to say, What do you mean we never take your parents anywhere. Didnt I take em to the race in 94?

   And the number one reason Its OK that My In-Laws will be at the Race with me this year:

1. Wont have to lug around that cooler full of beer all day!