A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver Whats that building there? Thats the Royal York Hotel replied the cabbie. The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? asked the Texan. About 12 years replied the cabbie.
12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. Whats that building over there? asked the Texan. Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre replied the cabbie. Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that? asked the Texan. About three years replied the cabbie. Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. Whats that building there? asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. Danged if I know replied the cabbie, It wasnt here when I drove by yesterday.
Posted in Ethnic |
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Posted in Lightbulb |
A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wifes wonderful chocolate chip cookies.
After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wifes cookies still lingering on his palate?
The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.
He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.
Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.
He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wifes love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.
He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.
His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, Oh no you dont, THOSE are for the funeral!
Posted in Love and marriage |
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cant use an oral thermometer.
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the mans doctor comes into the room.
Whats going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?
After a pause, the doctor replies, Yes, but never with a daffodil!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, Oh, hes around here, somewhere.
Posted in School |
Two wrongs dont make a right but three lefts do.
Posted in One Liners |
Yo mama so fat she got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Posted in Yo Mama |
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.
By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.
So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.
Posted in Naughty |
1. You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone honey including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have been there, done that.
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.
12. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you dont know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.
23. Youve always got an opinion.
24. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.
32. Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. Youve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the partys over.
59. You know where to go after the partys over.
60. Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.
64. You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.
69. Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.
73. Youve left someone totally speechless.
74. Youve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to get along.
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And hes right there in the shower.
86 Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added side dishes.
89. You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.
90. Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
Posted in Naughty |