Old and New Jokes

How many Jewish American Princesss does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.

People usually deserve each other

This skeleton goes into a bar, and asks for a beer and a mop…

(This happened about 15 years ago to my father-in-law, who worked at
the time for the anti-trust division of the justice department.)

The justice department was trying a case against a company in New
York, who had engaged the senior partner of the biggest law firm
there, Alan Dean, to defend them. My father-in-law represented
the Justice department.

There was a LOT of evidence and each side had their own idea about
how to refer to the exhibits. My father in law went by the school
of 1A, 1B, 1C, 2A, 2B etc, while Alan Dean went by A, AA, B, BB, BBB, C.

At one point, well into the trial, a piece of evidence for the
defense was labeled PPPP. The judge was about half asleep
but this reference caught his attention.

Judge: Mr. Dean, what number was that exhibit?

Alan Dean: Pee pee pee pee your honour.

(the courtroom and judge giggles, every time pee pee pee pee is
mentioned)

Judge: (smirk) Mr. Dean, please abbreviate your exhibit names
from, for example, pee pee pee pee to 4Ps.

AD: Yes your honour. Id like to display the next piece of evidence.

Judge: What number would that be, Mr. Dean?

AD: 4Q, your honour.

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, Son, how much do you make a day?

The guy replies, 150 dollars.

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?

Seen on a bloodied, ripped T-shirt: I LOVE MY PIT BULL.

The car wont start, said a wife to her husband. I think theres water in the carburetor. How do you know? said the husband scornfully. You dont even know what the carburetor is. Im telling you, repeated the wife, I m sure theres water in the carburetor. Well see, mocked the husband. Let me check it out. Wheres the car? In the swimming pool.

The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. And dont get a drop of paint on your habits, she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
Who is it? asks one of the nuns.
Blind man, comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. No harm letting him in, one says, and opens the door.
Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?

You gotta hand it to her!