Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse!

The background: Someone (No names, children!) walked in on his roommate and caught him masturbating. Consequently, he broke the sinner-s arm.

The question: Whoever said that masturbation is sinful, anyway?

The answer: Every Sperm Is Sacred, Lyrics by Michael Palin and Terry Jones.

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then
There are those that follow Mohammad, but
Ive never been one of them.

Im a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
Theyll take you as soon as youre warm.

You dont have to be a six footer,
You dont have to have a great brain,
You dont have to have any clothes on,
Youre a Catholic the moment Dad came, because

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that cant be found.

Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Morman,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
God needs everybodys,
Mine, and mine, and mine.

Let the pagans spill theirs,
Oer mountain, hill and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm thats spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

A Jewish boy comes home to his mother and tells her he has met a wonderful girl, and they are to be married.

Oh, thats nice says Momma. And what is this girls name?

The son tells her that his fiancee is a Native American and is called Little Running Deer.

Thats nice, honey says Momma, trying to keep a straight face.

The son then tells his momma that he wants to be called by his new Native American name too, and that from now on she should call him Swift Flying Arrow.

OK, honey, whatever you wish says Momma.

Then the son says, You should get a Native American name too, Momma.

Ive already got one, replies Momma. Its Big Sitting Shiva.

Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.

Dos amigas están charlando:

Me he enterado que Pili habla de ti por la espalda.

Vaya, ¿y se le entiende?

IF THEY HAD NOT FOUND SADDAM HUSSAIN THEY


WERE PLANNING ON SPRAYING IRAQ WITH VIAGRA.


THEY WERE SURE THIS WOULD MAKE THE PRICK STAND UP.

HERS:



Pulls off at wrong exit.



opens window



asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer



Arrives at destination presently.



HIS:



Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive its the correct one.



Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks hes right.



Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.



Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air



Pulls up to a 7 -11



Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky



Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.



Gets back into car.



Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.



Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.



Almost hits a deer



Curses the night



Curses you



Curses the large slurpee



Drives and fiddles with radio.



Yells at you for suggesting the map again



Admits he didnt want to go to Thanksgiving at your sisters anyway.



He hates your sister.



Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel



He had to look up pernicious.



Couldnt find a dictionary.



Finally found a dictionary



Couldnt spell pernicious.



Seethes at the memory of it all



But she is laughing inside…



And of course youre still lost.