Old and New Jokes

A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…

Man, Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.

Madam, Are you sure… Im surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.

Man, Its obvious, maam, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until youre perfect at it.

Why does miss Piggy douche with honey??

Cause Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!! lol

Q: Why cant Hellen Keller drive?

A: Because shes a woman.

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.



Me first! Me first! says the secretary. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone.



Me next! Me next! says the paralegal. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! Hes gone.



Youre next, the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, I want those two back in the office right after lunch.

Yo mama so ugly E.T. didnt want go out with her.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: Why dont I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.

Hillary: Well, why dont you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

Al: Why dont you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.

Tipper: Why dont we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.

Well, snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, youll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave.

Not me, Sarge! the private replied. Once I get out of the Army, I aint
never going to stand in line again!

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mothers broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. As he went inside, he left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didnt want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said The Lord is out there too, dont be afraid. The little boy opened the back door a little and said Lord if youre out there, hand me the broom.

As the woman passed her daughters closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, What in the world are you doing? The daughter replied, Mom, Im thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as Ill ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

The next day, the girls father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, Dad, Im thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as Ill ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, What are you doing!?

The husband replied, Im watching the ball game with my son-in-law.

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if Im ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. Hell know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since theyre not as emotionally confused as women. Its a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so dont feel ashamed or embarrassed. After youve finished making love, hell have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Dont feel left out – while hes gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. Hell come back when hes ready.

Q: What is after play?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. After play is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lovers sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? Theres no such thing. Its a myth!