Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town? and the Jelly Bean says No mate, Im a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in.
So Smartie says Dont worry about it, Im a bit of a hard case, Ill look after you. So Jelly Bean says Fair enough, as long as youll look after me. and off they went.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says I thought you were going to look after me?
I was! says Smartie, But those Lockets are menthol!
Q: What is the difference between a midwife and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
4 Doctors were talking shop one day…
An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah!
We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!
You might be a redneck if you were conceived, born and taught on a pool table.
[Ed: Edited ]
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving
class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute
emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the
reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked
down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up
with equal velocity.
Hey, you know anything about parachutes? he shouted to her, as they passed
by.
The reply: No… you know anything about Coleman stoves?
By Tony Kornheiser, The Washington Post
Sunday, July 22, 2001
Just the other morning I was watching The Today Show when that hot tomato Katie Couric said something like, Coming up: Were going to focus on the ongoing stem cell debate.
The ongoing stem cell debate?
Omigod, which side was I on, stems or cells?
Tragically, I not only didnt know a stem cell debate was raging all over America – I didnt even know what a stem cell was. Stems and seeds, yes. That rang a bell. (Oh, were down to stems and seeds again. Bummer.) But for stem cell, I was drawing a blank (see above).
So I opened the newspaper and began reading about stem cells. And there was all this stuff about surplus embryos and frozen embryos.
And I said: Yikes! Check, please.
Thats what Americans are talking about this summer, frozen embryos? Excuse me, what happened to frozen margaritas?
Its not like I dont think stem cell research is important. Im sure its important. (Heres whats not important: Jurassic Park III. Whos idea was that? What next, Jurassic Park IV, where the dinosaurs fight the Russian, Ivan Drago?) Its not that Im unsympathetic to stem cells and all they can do – especially as a border in your flower bed. Its that I have finally accepted that I cant be up to speed on everything. Its a matter of prioritizing. If I have to be up to speed on Gary Condit (and believe me, its a full-time gig waiting for him to come out of his apartment every day wearing that frozen smile), stem cells just have to go.
My problem isnt stem cells, its a lack of brain cells. I cluttered my brain with batting averages when I was a little kid, and rock-and-roll lyrics when I was a teenager. The last 30 years or so Ive tried to learn about adult things like 401(k) accounts, runny French cheeses and erectile dysfunction. I fear Im tapped out. Katie Couric, you ripe plum, I love ya, but the ongoing stem cell debate will have to ongo without me.
Friends, tell me you feel this way, too. Tell me you dont have enough energy to tackle all the great issues of the day – like whose fault was it Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt hit the bricks? First, Alec and Kim, and then Dennis and Meg, and Tom and Nicole; its heartbreaking, its like, hello, hell-o, cant we all just get along? (And now Tom is dating Penelope Cruz. Whats that about? Do we really need Penelope Cruz-Cruise? Thats either a kinky sequel to The Love Boat or the femme fatale in The World According to Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje.)
And enough already with this water-torture Tauzin-Dingell bill, and the bleating about high-speed Internet access. I am so sick of these insufferably relentless radio and TV ads. Vote for Tauzin-Dingell! Say no to Tauzin-Dingell! I have reached the point where I hate Tauzin, I hate Dingell – I even hate Bill. I dont give a rats patootie about high-speed Internet access. At my age, the only high-speed access I want is to the restroom, thank you.
Ill tell you another thing I dont have energy for: the debate over biotech corn. Theres concern that genetically engineered corn (legally defined as corn with a distinctive Dacron flavor) is making its way into the food supply. Apparently, some people whove eaten it have claimed theyve had allergic reactions that range from mild itch to full-blown death. (The rest of us are merely mutating into rabbits.) And people want to know what they can do to stop being slowly poisoned by this naugahyde corn. Clearly the answer is: Eat freakin broccoli.
Life is simply too short to waste any time on things like books about John Adams. John Adams? Excuse me, the president after Adams was only the smartest man the country ever had, and the president before him was only the greatest wartime general the country ever had – other than Michael Corleone. John Adams is basically a salami sandwich between these guys. Unless John Adams could do something really cool, like take the tip of his tongue and touch his eyeballs, I have no time for him.
Have you seen the bestseller list lately? Two of the top three sellers in nonfiction are Who Moved My Cheese? and The Prayer of Jabez. First of all, I dont care who moved your cheese; I care who cut the cheese. Second of all, one of these stupid books is 96 pages long; the other is 94. Thats not a book, thats a catalogue. If all you have to do to get a bestseller is write 90 pages and slap a title on that rhymes with Cheese and Ja-beeze, how about Who Slashed My Trapeze? or Hey, Louise, I Lost My Keys, So Im Down on My Knees, And Jeez I Think Ive Gotta Sneeze, So Help Me Out and Order Some Cantonese, Please? Thats good, because the title alone might go 37 pages.
The one story out there I think is important is almost 450 firearms belonging to the FBI, including semiautomatic pistols, revolvers, assault rifles and shotguns, are either missing or unaccounted for.
Okay, this is a joke, right? Because 450 weapons didnt just walk out of FBI headquarters by themselves. I might remind you that J. Edgar Hoovers dresses never walked out of there. Strolled, maybe; sashayed, seductively slithered – but never walked.
Seriously, how did this happen? What are they doing at the front desk of the FBI, watching The Flintstones on TV Land?
Most of the time, though, I feel a little like how Betsy Gotbaum, the former president of the New-York Historical Society, must feel – overwhelmed. The other night Gotbaum introduced Bill Clinton at a fundraiser for the society.
She introduced Clinton as Richard Nixon.
© 2001 The Washington Post Company
About as bright as a four watt bulb
As intelligent as a lobotomized prawn
As bright as a blackout
Hes not dumber than an ox, but hes not smarter
The Rookie Cop…
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, Lets get off the corner people.
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again…
I SAID, lets get off that corner… NOW!
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, Well, how did I do?
Pretty good, chuckled the vet, especially since this is a bus stop!
Stressed out…try some of these relaxing tidbits 🙂
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didnt authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says Have a nice day tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if shes cute, always ask if assistance is available.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)
7. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here…especially if you put a dress on your son.)
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me…theyre in there! I found 70 in just the As!)