An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.
You might be a redneck if…
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.
You call your boss Buddy, on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid youll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says Cumn heer an lookit this afore I flush it.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, you know sister, I am about to die, and theres always been one thing Ive wanted here on earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, well, Father, now that I think about it, Ive never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?
The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.
Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the camel!
Primer acto: 10 viejitos haciendo parar una micro, la micro no les para.
Segundo acto: 50 viejitos haciendo parar una micro, la micro tampoco para.
Tercer acto: 100 viejitos haciendo parar una micro y la misma historia.
¿Cómo se llama la pelÃcula?
A los viejos no se les para.
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, Maam, Id rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Im sorry, I didnt know there was a choice.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
With the immense popularity of Viagra its not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:
Viagra Lite
For people who only want to masturbate
Viagrallium
A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you dont get to fuck, then you dont give a fuck.
Courtesy of John Rowe
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, Im Stupid. That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign.
Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, Hey, you moving?
Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, yall catch all them fish?
Nope. Talked em into giving up. Heres your sign.
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.
Well, all right but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat?
I couldnt resist. I said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Heres your sign.
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, Darn thats hot!
See? If hed been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning … ok … no problem.
I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign … until he asked So … is your truck stuck?
I couldnt help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said No, Im delivering a bridge … heres your sign.
Copyrighted Skit by Bill Engvald
A: An air bag.