Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
14
Dec
14
Dec
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Advanced BASIC
- Genuine imitation
- Airline Food
- Good grief
- Same difference
- Almost exactly
- Government organization
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Legally drunk
- Silent scream
- American history
- Living dead
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt Head
- Military Intelligence
- Software documentation
- New York culture
- New classic
- Sweet sorrow
- Childproof
- Now, then …
- Synthetic natural gas
- Passive aggression
- Taped live
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct Life
- Temporary tax increase
- Computer jock
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Twelve-ounce pound cake
- Diet ice cream
- Working vacation
- Exact estimate
- Microsoft Works
Thanx to Doug Taylor @ Schafer Corp.
14
Dec
Managed Friendship Plan
Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about
friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines
all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important
cost-saving features.
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are
met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
Whats Wrong with my Current Friends?
If youre like most people, you are receiving friendship services from
a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old
neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly
duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
inappropriate, outmoded,or even experimental acts of friendship.
Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by
your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness
of fit of all your friendly relationships.
How Do I Know That the Plans Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch
of Losers Who Cant Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of todays most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a
cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want
to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have
met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under
the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to
pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed
Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of
his/her friendship.
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in
the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.
You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship
Hotline) within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
* Agreeing with you
* Appearing sympathetic
* Chewing the fat
* Dropping by
* Feeling your pain
* Gossiping
* Hanging out
* Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
* Joshing
* Kidding around
* Listening to you whine
* Partying
* Passing the time
* Patting your back
* Ribbing
* Sharing a meal
* Shooting the breeze
* Slinging the bull
* Teasing (up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan)
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):
* Bar hopping
* Bending over backwards
* Drinking to excess
* Giving a hoot
* Going the extra mile
* Lending money
* Real empathy
* Truly caring
* Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate
friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides Whats Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isnt that what friends are for?
14
Dec
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
What would you like to do next? he asked.
I wanna be weighed, she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
I wanna be weighed, she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?
Wousy! said the girl.
14
Dec
- Yave ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
- Yave ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
- Yave ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose!
- Yave ever hollered Rock the house, Bubba! during a piano recital
- Yave ever stabbed the back of someones hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken.
- Yave ever stolen toilet paper.
- Yave ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
- Yave ever used lard in bed.
- Yave ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- Yave ever yelled squeal like a piggy when making love.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
- Your dog has ever brought home something that ya cooked for dinner.
- Your dog passes gas and ya claim it.
- Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
- Your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police.
- Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.
- Your house still has the WIDE LOAD sign on the back.
- Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.
- Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your wife has a beer belly and ya find it attractive.
- Your richest relative buys a new house and ya have to help take the wheels off of it.
- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
- Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
- Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
- Yave ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
14
Dec
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
13
Dec
A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.
13
Dec
Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
13
Dec
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
13
Dec
Ha muerto Don Nicanor y la gente lo esta velando.U na mujer al mirar el cadáver ve que el finado tenÃa un pene super grande, se da vuelta y le comenta a una amiga:
Mira, igualito al de mi marido.
El marido mas atrás escucha esto y saca pecho. La amiga sorprendida dice:
¿Asà de grande?
No, asà de muerta.