Old and New Jokes

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, whats the problem officer?To which the policeman responded, I stopped you for running that red light behind you. Just then the mans wife leaned forward from the drivers seat and said with a very loud voice, I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.

The man then turned to his wife and yelled Shut up stupid! The policeman continued, And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30. His wife then leaned forward again and squawked I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.

And again the man shouted at his wife Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!

The policeman then looked at the woman and said does he always talk to you this way?

To which the woman responed, Only when he has been drinking.

A LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows 95

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade holiday scents in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said Look at that dog with one eye!

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, Why?

Overheard in a small gathering at a pub…

A man asks:
Whats the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

Answer:
60 pounds!

A woman counters with:
Whats the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?

Answer:
60 minutes!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.



Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.



The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.



The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?



Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.



With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F— you!



Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.



The crowd applauded – and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

Whats the difference between mathew kelly and acne.?



Acne waits till u r a teenager before it cumes all over face.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One Two, One Two, One Two …

A young woman visiting the local zoo is grabbed by the gorilla and is dragged into his cage, whereupon she is savagely raped.

In the hospital, her girl friend asked her, Poor thing, how do you feel?

She answered, Horrible… He doesnt call… He doesnt write.