Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.

Un abogado se muere y se va al cielo, llega y toca la puerta. En eso sale San Pedro y le dice: ¿Tú quien eres?

Yo soy abogado y me han mandado al cielo, responde al abogado. ¡No, no! tú no puedes entrar acá.

¿Pero cómo que no puedo entrar?, ¿tú quien eres para decirme que no puedo entrar?

¿Como?… yo soy San pedro, el que decide si entras o no.

A ver, ¿dónde está tu título que dice que eres San pedro, el único que puede dejar o no entrar al cielo?

Un momento, dice San Pedro, y se va corriendo a buscar a Jesús y le cuenta lo que pasa con el abogaddo.

Entonces sale Jesús: Bueno, hombre, al parecer tú no puedes entrar al cielo porque ya no tenemso espacio, y ya… ya no pues.

¿Cómo que no hay sitio, tú quién eres para que no me dejes entrar?

Yo soy Jesus el hijo de Dios y te digo que ya no puedes entrar al cielo.

¿Cómo que hijo de Dios? ¿Cuál Dios?, a ver, enseñame tu partida de nacimiento donde dice que eres el hijo de Dios.

Entonces Jesus va a buscar a Dios…

Papá… allá afuera hay un abogado que quiere entrar al cielo, primero le pidió su título a San Pedro, luego me pidió partida de nacimiento para ver si soy hijo de Dios… ¿qué hago?

Ya, ya, ya… déjalo entrar, ¡no vaya ser que me pida partida de matrimonio!

Un tipo iba por la carretera y ve un cartel que indicaba… máxima a 80, y el tipo disminuye la velocidad a 80.

Después mira otro cartel, máxima a 60, y vuelve a disminuir la velocidad a 60, al rato otro que decía máxima a 40, y disminuye a 40.

Va bajando la velocidad hasta que mira un cartel:

Bienvenidos a Máxima.

1. Im really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. Ill kill myself if I dont get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with I was recently acquitted.

6. Im really tall, so I think Id be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. Im confident that Ill get this job. The voices told me.

Sometimes youre the bird, and sometimes youre the windshield.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The Rabbi responds, Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.

The Priest then asks, Have you ever eaten pork?

To which the Rabbi replies, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The Priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.

The Rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, A lot better than pork isnt it?

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, What part of your body gets to heaven first?

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.

So she picks on Jenny first who says, I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny. She picks him and he says, I think your feet get to heaven first.

The relieved teacher asks him, Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?

Johnny says, Cause I walked into my Mom and Dads room last night and my moms feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting Oh God Im cummin!