Old and New Jokes

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, its not so hot.

Q: How many Belmont Abbey students does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three – one to hold the candle, one to light the flint, and the other to pray that it works.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?
A. You get Bullshit.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat. The man groaned but didnt budge.The usher became impatient. Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager. Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, whats your name? Sam, the man moaned. Where ya from, Sam? With pain in his voice Sam replied The balcony.

A daddy, mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing
one morning when the daddy mole sticks his head out of
the hole and says, I smell pancakes. The mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says,
I smell pancakes too…pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby
mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup. The baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole
and exclaims I cant smell anything but molasses

A husband and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, tells him shell see him later, and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and demands, Who was that?!

Oh, replies the husband, that was my mistress.

The wife says, Thats it. I want a divorce.

I understand, replies her husband, but, remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But the decision is yours.

Just as the wife is about to say something, she notices a mutual
friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. Whos that
woman with Jim? she asks.

Thats his mistress, replies her husband.

Ours is prettier, says the wife.

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just cant figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but thats the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed………………………………………….. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1 You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty………………0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0 You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing………………0 You check out a suspicious noise and its something…………… 5 You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2 Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4 Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6 Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner………………………………….0 You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar ………… 1 Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2 And its all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3 Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20 You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2 You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4 You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6 You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2 Its called DeathCop

3…………………………………….-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when its expected…………………..0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20 You give her wildflowers youve actually picked yourself ……. 30 And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30 You say I dont care because you have one too ……………-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5 Something she cant use…………………………………..-10 Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10 You dont stop to ask directions …………………..0 You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25 You know them…………………………………………..-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, Do I look fat? ……………………………….-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10 You reply, Where?……………………………………..-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep…………..-20

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if…

…..Tech Support calls You for help.

…..Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL

…..You have called out someones screen name while making love to your significant other.

…..You keep begging your friends to get an account so we can hang out

…..you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos

…..youve ever typed drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone

…..you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it

…..you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences

…..you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing

…..when someone says What did you say? you reply Scroll up!

…..you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

…..you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own familys.

…..you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

…..you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own

…..you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)

…..youre broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one

…..you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room

…..you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

…..you wont work at a job that doesnt have a modem involved

….you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists

….you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy

….you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours

….you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one…hehehe)

….your buddy list has over 100 people on it

….you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee

….you wait 6 hours online for a certain special person to sign on

….you dont know where the time has gone

….you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.

….your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had

….you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead

….you dont even notice anymore when someone has a typo

….when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***

….you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme

….your voicemail/answering machine message is BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL

….you type faster than you think

….being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult

…you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say BRB or BBL

….you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room

…youve gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers

….you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life

…you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name

…your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience

When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven. Upon her arival St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her. She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth and her angel Halo.Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess Diana with an even bigger Halo! Teresa got pissed off, and went to see St. Peter, and asked After all of my years sacrificing for the poor and the needy, I get a Halo this small. But Diana only took a couple of pictures with some landmine kids and got an even bigger Halo than me!St. Peter replied, Thats not a Halo… Thats the steering wheel…