Old and New Jokes

I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to do.

Ignorance is bliss. No wonder Im so depressed.

A woman who complains that she doesnt have a thing to wear
and that there isnt enough closet space for her clothes.

Q: Why did the Saddam trade one of his thirteen wives for



a new toilet?



A: The hole was smaller and smelled better.





Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and a Scud Missile?



A: Aeroflot has killed more people.





Q: What do you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?



A: Incoming scuds!





Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out



and is flipping through pictures.



This is my oldest. Hes a martyr.



Heres my second son. Hes a martyr, too.



Theres a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, Ah,



they blow up so fast, dont they?





Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein



…Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain



gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.



…Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets



of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure



free HBO.



…Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of



missing limbs and strange burn marks.



…Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.



…Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in



recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.



…Upset that Slobodan hasn’t written for weeks.



…Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at Disembowel



the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism Rally; those with low



marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad



sewer cages using remaining limbs.



…Pleased that he’s now slightly more popular in Kuwait than



flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after



lengthy hearts and minds campaign.



…Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the moonwalk



for them.



…Still regretting brilliant Park Entire Air Force in Iran



maneuver during Gulf War.



…Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his



Assassination Merit Badge.



…Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm,



or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD’s for only 1 cent from



his favorite record club.



…Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently,



and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.

Never squat with yer spurs on.

Theres two theories to arguin with a woman; neither one works.

Dont worry about bitin off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot biggern you think.

If you get to thinkin youre a person of some influence, try orderin somebody elses dog around.

Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco.

It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there.

Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier n puttin it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, its very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

You might be a redneck if…
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

• The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
• He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
• He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said…

-=} Randall {=- LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

Dog Rules…

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.

His wife replied, What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didnt have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!

The husband said, I know all that.

Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight? asked the wife.

The guy answered, Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.