Old and New Jokes

What is a Jewish American Princesss favorite sexual position?

Facing Bloomingdales.

The town was so small the only way to get there was on a Lionel Train.

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part or a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congradulated him. And then he said Thats good son, maybe next time youll get a talking role!

This is part of a humerous ditty that was popular when I was a lad, before the Earth cooled.

One dark day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys began to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

If you dont believe this story is true;

ask the blind man; he saw it, too.

He lives on the corner in the middle of the block

in a two-story house on a vacant lot.

An empty truck loaded with bricks

ran over our dead cat and killed it.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand hes holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?

Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

Found in Maps of the Mind, by Charles Hampden-Turner:

A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, Carter is a horses ass! To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, Reagan is a horses ass! Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.

Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, Hey, fella! If this aint
Carter country and it aint Reagan country, whose country is it?

The cowboy replied, Son, this is horse country!

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what youre saying.

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, Now honey, youll be gentle with me wont you. You know that Im still a virgin.

This clearly surprises the man, What are you saying. Arent I your third husband?

The woman replied, Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since youre a lawyer, Im pretty sure that Im gonna get screwed!