Old and New Jokes

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentines Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentines Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times Ill be kissing them in the future. I hope youll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,

Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Heres a list of phony names often given to substitute teachers:

(source: Book of Lists 2)

Anne Chovy

Art E. Choke

Bud Wiser

Frank Furter

Chuck Waggon

Jim Shoo

Sandy Beach

Polly Gon

Ben Gay

Liz Onya

Ben Dover

Eileen Dover

Barb DeWyre

One day a cop was walking along in the ghetto. He came upon a guy sitting on the curb and thinking. He went up to the guy.

What are you doing, the cop asks.

Im just thinking about starting a bar right over there,but I cant think of a name for the place, the man replied.

If you can come up with a name for me Ill give you a free drink,the guy said. The cop likes this idea, so the first thing he thinks of he tells the man.

How about Susie, the cop suggests.

Susie, I like it. Come back tomorrow for youre drink, said the man.

The cop returns to the ghetto the next day. The guy is sitting on the curb again.

What about Susie?

the cop asked.

The man answered, I thought about it and I decided I didnt like it.Ill give you two drinks if you come up with a better name The cop thought for a moment and said Susies Legs The man agreed and told the cop to come back tomorrow for his free drinks.

The next day the cop returns, and sure enough the bar is there, but it doesnt open for another 10 minutes. He waits in his car. A young teen asks the cop what he was doing just sitting in his car. the cop replies, Im waiting for Susies Legs to open so I can get my free drinks.

Why dont sharks attack lawyers?

…Professional courtesy..

Two girls asked their mom which side of the creek was best to catch fish for she always caught fish and they caught none. She said when I wake up and your dads pecker is laying to the left I fish the left bank and if it lays to the right I fish the right bank. They both snikared and said what if it stands in the middle she replied. Then there is no time for fishin!

Conservatives are wasting their time, energy and votes if they stay in the Republican Party. No more than the Democrats do the Republicans honor the Constitution. They merely violate it at a slower pace.

— Joseph Sobran

Q: What do you look for when youre tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. Hed been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. Its called sexual intercourse, darling.

Little Johnny just said, OK and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! Its called bunk beds!

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K. then, whats the capital of France?" The blonde replied, "Oh, thats so easy! F."

Whats the difference between a gay guy and a refridgerator?