Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?

A: Put sheet music in front of him.

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, This you call a lining?

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?

A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why dont women blink during foreplay?

A: They dont have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?

A: They wont stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?

A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We dont know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?

A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?

A: Practice makes perfect.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?

A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A: They are married.

Man says to God: God, why did you make woman so beautiful?

God says: So you would love her.

But God, the man says, why did you make her so dumb?

God says: So she would love you.

A man enters a bar and orders ten beer. He drinks them and orders ten more. The bartender asks:
Why do you drink that much ?
Man: today was the first time in my life I had oral sex
Bartender: Thats indeed a reason to celebrate
Man: No, Im trying to wash away the taste

Two blondes are walking along a river, one on each side. The first yells across the river to the other, Hey, How do you get to the other side? The second yells back to the first, You ARE on the other side!

One day in Language Arts class the children were called to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Little Johnny raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: Defeat, Defense, Deduct, and Detail. Little Johnny stood, thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

First Convict: I heard the Wardens daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Wardens mighty upset about it too.

Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?

First Convict: No. Because they eloped!

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said, Sir, you shouldnt use Gods name in vain. The man said, But thats the SPECIES of the fish — a Gauddam Fish. The sister said, Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said, Mother Superior,

look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, Sister, you know better than that.

The nun said, Thats the species of it — a Gauddam Fish.

So the Mother Superior said, Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and Ill clean it.

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother

Superior said, Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister

caught.

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, Mother Superior, you shouldnt talk like that!

Mother Superior said, But thats the species of it — a Gauddam Fish. Monsignor said, Well give me the Gauddam Fish and Ill cook it.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he

said, Wow, what a nice fish. In reply, the sister said, Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.

And Mother Superior said, I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.

And Monsignor said, I cooked the Gauddam Fish.

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said…

I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isnt broken. Lets try it again.

María es una chica devota y religiosa. Se casa y tiene 17 hijos. Su marido muere; ella se vuelve a casar dos semanas después, y tiene 22 hijos con su nuevo marido. Entonces el segundo marido muere y un poco después ella lo sigue.

En el fueneral de María, el cura mira al cielo y dice, Al fin se juntaron.

Un tipo que estaba sentado en las primeras filas dice, Disculpe padre, pero ¿quiere usted decir que al fin se juntaron ella y su PRIMER marido, o ella y su SEGUNDO marido?

El sacerdote le contesta, Quiero decir sus PIERNAS.