Old and New Jokes

Un individuo burlón y majadero llega a la iglesia; se dirige al bondadoso y anciano sacerdote y, con tono de reto, dice:

Lo que afirma el Génesis es una vil mentira, padre. No pretenderá usted que yo crea que todos los hombres del mundo somos hijos de Eva.

Naturalmente que no, hijo mío. Y tienes razón: la historia que narra el Génesis esta incompleta. Lo que realmente sucedió es que el Señor, antes de hacer a Eva, hizo a otra mujer. Pero el barro con el que la formó estaba manchado y, al cocerlo, esa primera mujer salió tiznada. Entonces, se le ocurrió a Dios otra idea: en vez de hacer a Eva de barro, la sacó de una costilla del hombre. Por eso existen dos clases de hombres: yo soy un hijo de Eva y tú un hijo de la tiznada.

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.



Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.



He asked the waiter, What is that you just served?



The waiter replied, Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!



The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, What the heck, Im on acation down here! Bring me an order!



The waiter replied, I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!



The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.



After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!



The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Running out of toothpaste

getting deodorant in your eyes



getting drunk and trying to chug a lava lamp



poorly done tattoos



gasps of amazement



puking so hard you break blood vessels in your face



white pants or shorts



hats that make your head sweat and itch



cordless phones that randomly hang up on people



heart shaped pancakes



having to reuse snotty tissues



torn shirts



striped ties



loud vaccums that dont suck at all



the word moustache



poorly designed furniture



sham celebrations



purple coats



sacrifical lambs



oversized earrings



pink staplers



bras that are impossible to get off



feng shui



rusty spikes in your bed



waking up in your own shit



Sheep stomachs used as hats



Your phone rings and before you get it, it stops.



flutes



creatures that are half man and half fawn who bounce around calling you Lucy



pimples on the palms of your hands



having to bathe in dirty water that was used to wash dogs three weeks ago



the sound of your walkman slowing down the tape youre listening to



dead people whispering at you in the night



burrowing elks who ruin your basement



dreaming that you get shot just before meeting Mike Patton



trying to touch the sky and falling down



barking dogs outside your place that bark all damn day long and then start barking at each other,



then bark at the trees, then cars, then kids, and then each other again.



open houses during the rainy season



hair gel that drips from the ceiling



dirty sinks



being cremated when you were just sleeping



having your mom wake you and you fell asleep nude, surrounded in porno magazines



and pictures of the golden girls from tv.



running out of dishes and being forced to finally do them



monkey brain bits in your sandwich



being told that thats just the way life is



lilies

If you do not care where you are, then you arent lost.

What do they call abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech

Dont force it, get a larger hammer.

You can GET chocolate.
If you love me, youll swallow has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies, even when its gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard, chocolate doesnt mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word commitment doesnt scare chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate, theres never any need to fake it.
Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate late at night, it doesnt keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate, size doesnt matter and its always great.

What Is The Fastest Sea Animal On the Earth?


A cuban Swimming Away From The Coast Guard.

A computer can wait forever for you.
A computer doesnt compare you with its past users.
A computer doesnt get calls from its past users while youre logged in.
A computer doesnt mind how excited you get.
A computer doesnt tell you how completely terrific its past users have been.
A computer is big in all the right places.
A computer never forgets your birthday.
A computer wont ask, Are you in?
A computer wont ask, Is there another computer?
A computer wont even talk about marriage.
A computer wont fall in love with you just because you have sex.
A computer wont get bitchy if youre slow to respond.
A computer wont grade you on how much you send it.
A computer wont look through your checkbook.
A computer wont mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
A computer wont say, Lets just be friends.
A computer wont shave with your razor.
A computers maintenance personnel dont cross-examine you every time you log in.
Computers are easy to turn on.
Computers are ready when you are.
Computers are very responsive.
Computers arent into finding out how far youll go to keep your account.
Computers do everything you tell them to.
Computers dont care about age differences.
Computers dont care if youre married.
Computers dont get pregnant.
Computers dont get upset if you use other computers.
Computers dont insist on foreplay.
Computers dont make you meet their parents.
Computers dont mind if you share them with a friend.
Computers dont mind spending hours on the phone with you.
Computers dont play head games unless you ask them to.
Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
Computers never have headaches, or take rain checks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.
Computers wont mind if you dont like their friends.
If you dont like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.
Size doesnt count to a computer.
The average computer session lasts four hours.
With a computer, you never have to say youre sorry.
You can log into several computers at once.
You can turn off a computer.
You can visit a computer any time you like, and itll be up and ready for you.
You dont have to tell computers you love them.

A guy comes to the US embassy to ask for a visa. When he reaches the sex question he fills in once or twice a week.

The clerk at the desk sees the answer and says: You should have filled in Male or Female!

Its doesnt matter to me, which one., answered the guy.