Old and New Jokes

Old man frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A couple of days later the banker comes along and asks: How is our bull doing?

Frank says: Our bull isnt doing to good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he dont want nothing to do with them.

Banker says: You better call the vet.

Couple of days later banker comes along again. Hows our bull doing now.

Frank says: Plenty damn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence and is working on the neighbors cows!

Banker says, Wow! What did the vet give him?

Frank says: Gave him some pills.

Banker says: What kind of pills?

Frank says: I dont know but they tasted sort of like peppermint.

(sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice)

Three rodents with defective visual perception,
three rodents with defective visual perception.

Visualize how they perambulate,
Visualize how they perambulate.

They all perambulated after the agriculturalists spouse,
she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil.

Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence,
as three rodents with defective visual perception?

There are only two things to worry about:

Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about;

but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about:

either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;

if you die, there are only two things to worry about:

either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But, if you go to hell youll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you wont have time to worry…

You might be a redneck if…
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other peoples fingers!

In January 1994, The Economist magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel OLearys success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratorys helping McDonalds to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batchs frying time.

Pedro está de noche en el cementerio. De pronto se le aparece un vampiro, y le dice: Te agachas o te mueres

Pedro se agacha, y al estar en posición, el vampiro se lo empieza a fornicar.

En eso se inicia un diálogo.

Cómo te llamas? pregunta el vampiro.

Pedro.

¿Eres casado?

Sí, tengo tres hijos.

¿Trabajas?

Sí, de noche.

¿Cuantos años tienes?

45.

¡Ay, Pedro, estás muy viejo para creer en vampiros!

Una muchacha se prepara para la boda y su mamá le está dando las instrucciones:

Mi hija, si tu marido te propone hacer el sexo de OTRA MANERA, ¡no lo aceptes!

Está bien, mami.

Pero pasan unas semanas después de la boda y el esposo no le dice nada. Entonces la muchacha, por curiosidad, le sugiere:

Vamos a hacerlo de OTRA MANERA.

¿Tú estás loca? ¿Quieres quedarte preñada?

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldnt drive.



No further testing is planned.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.