Old and New Jokes

A cincuenta metros de la playa, una chica, a punto de ahogarse, grita desesperada pidiendo ayuda. Una multitud de bañistas se acerca a la orilla a observar a la pobre mujer. En eso, un anciano que en su juventud practicó deportes se lanza al mar y con unas cuantas brazadas llega a rescatar a la chica; la toma con un brazo y con el otro nada de regreso. Al llegar a la playa, el octogenario, cansado, se desploma junto a la mujer. La muchacha se recupera de inmediato y se levanta mostrando un escultural cuerpo cubierto sólo por un minúsculo biquini de hilo dental. Se acerca al anciano y coquetona le agradece:

¡Buen hombre, no tengo con qué pagarle lo que hizo por mí!

Recorriéndola con la mirada de arriba abajo, el viejo alcanza a decir:

¡Sí tienes, y mucho, él que no tiene con qué cobrar soy yo!

Cuando Dios hizo el mundo, para que los hombres prosperaran decidió darles dos virtudes: A los Gringos los hizo ordenados y respetuosos de la ley; a los Ingleses, tenaces y estudiosos; a los Japoneses, trabajadores y pacientes, y así sucesivamente.

Cuando llegó a los Nicaragüenses, le dijo al ángel, que anotara en una planilla lo siguiente: Estos van a ser inteligentes, honestos, y Arnoldistas.

Cuando terminó de hacer el mundo, el ángel le llamó la atención y le dijo: Santo Padre, tú has dado a todos los pueblos del mundo dos virtudes, pero a los nicaragüenses les has dado tres. Eso hará que ellos prevalezcan por encima de todos los otros pueblos de la tierra.

Caramba dijo el Señor, ¡¡es cierto!!, pero como los dones de Dios no deben quitarse, deberemos remediar esto. A partir de hoy los Nicas conservarán esas tres virtudes, pero para no prevalecer por sobre los demás, ninguno podrá ejercer más de dos virtudes simultáneamente.

Es por eso, que desde ese momento, el Nica que es Arnoldista y honesto, no puede ser inteligente; el que es inteligente y Arnoldista, no puede ser honesto, y el que es inteligente y honesto, jamás podrá ser partidario de Arnoldo Alemán.

Moraleja: Dios sabe muy bien hacer sus cosas

One day an elephant steps on a mouse. The elephant says that he will do anything to make up for it. The mouse gets up and starts riding the old girl. Some chimps see it and throw the elephant with mangos. The elephant says :Ouch! And the mouse says: Take it all, bitch!

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++

11. Winders95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word

13. Instead of latte carts wed have grits carts

14. New Shutdown wav: Yall come back now, Yah hear?

15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz

16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans-Am

17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire

20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard

21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

23. Instead of asking where do you want to go today? its more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?

24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

Youve ever said the phrase, Civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica Lewinski testified?

She said a mouthful.

I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard, until I realized I was
just strangling an ostrich.

– Craig Stacey

A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctors advice because his breath smells terrible.

The doctor examines him and says: Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids!

Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf, says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. My what big ears you have Mr Wolf, says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf, taunts RRH.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.
I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
I dont work here. Im a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.
Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.
Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.
Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
Do I look like a people person?
This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Im trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.