Old and New Jokes

Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:

By Paul Maddox

Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.
Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.
Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam free.
Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably dont have the right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them – hahaha)
Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream in their face.
Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)
Play in the airlock.
If theyre studying you, make cow noises.
Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.
Step on their feet.

After a hot, hard days work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied Theres one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said I named mine Nike…like you know…just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said I got one…Secret. The bartender said Why Secret? Joe said Well…its strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. Reverend, she said, I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?



I have an idea, said the minister. Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.



In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate sacrifice you? he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. Jesus! Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones, said the minister.



Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. God!



Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin Right again, said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.



As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.



The minister asked, And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son? Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and Ill break it in half and shove it up your ass! Amen, replied the congregation.

Whats the difference between a slut and a bitch?

Patient walks into a doctors office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film. Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont. Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? On the other hand, you have different fingers.

[We thought of this late one night…]

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long youve been waiting.

Estaba el expresidente de México Salinas de Gortari con su chofer paseando en su auto a toda velocidad, cruzando el campo, cuando de pronto ¡zas!, atropellan a un puerquito:

¿Qué hacemos?, preguntó el chofer.

Anda, busca al dueño del cerdo, explícale el accidente y dale un dinero a cambio, respondió el expresidente.

Así, pasaron una, dos, tres horas… Al cabo de 6 horas, se aparece el chofer, totalmente despeinado, con la camisa fuera:

¿Que pasó?, pregunta Salinas.

Me demoré porque el dueño del cerdo me invitó a comer, después la mujer me regaló estos puros, y un rico vino, y además hice apasionadamente el amor con su hermosa hija de 17 años.

Increible, ¿cómo hiciste?

Fue fácil, responde el chofer, lo único que dije fue: Hola, soy el chofer de Salinas de Gortari y acabo de matar al cerdo.

El dueño de una farmacia aprovecha que un amigo lo visita:

¡Hola, compadre, llegó justo a tiempo, quédese en mi farmacia unos minutos mientras voy al banco, todo está a la vista: los precios, el teléfono, la caja etc.!

Media hora después, el dueño regresa:

¿Cómo le fue, compadre?

Muy bien, vendí varias cosas, por ejemplo, llegó un tipo con problemas de hemorroides, así que le vendí el remedio

¿Y qué le vendió compadre?

Esto, y le muestra un frasco de Talvox.

¡Puta que es huevón, compadre, esto es para exterminar ratones!

¡Mierda! Es que yo le leí aquí abajo: Espolvoréese alrededor del agujero…