Old and New Jokes

Never squat with yer spurs on.

Theres two theories to arguin with a woman; neither one works.

Dont worry about bitin off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot biggern you think.

If you get to thinkin youre a person of some influence, try orderin somebody elses dog around.

Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco.

It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there.

Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier n puttin it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, its very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

You might be a redneck if…
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

• The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
• He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.
• He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said…

-=} Randall {=- LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

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Dog Rules…

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.

His wife replied, What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didnt have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!

The husband said, I know all that.

Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight? asked the wife.

The guy answered, Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

[Editors note: this one is DIFFERENT!]

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff,
the male staff has created a set of courses for females of
all marital status. The following courses will be offered:

General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic)
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering – Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming – Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting – Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing – Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Dont Have (formerly How
to Cut Credit Cards in Half)
HE103: Overcoming The Imelda Syndrome (formerly called How
Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?)

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say No With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission – a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage – The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly Keeping Your
Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Elses Life Too)
IR106: Understanding Mens Revulsion to Tampon Commercials
(formerly called We Know What That Little Plastic Applicator
is REALLY For!)

Sex Education:
SE101a: How to Say Yes
SE101b: How to Say No But Mean Yes
SE102: Sex – Its Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103: Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104: Lingerie – The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105: Sexual Alternatives for That Time of the Month
(formerly titled Any Old Port in a Storm)
SE106: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming, Youre not so tough tonight are you Batman!

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told im, “Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?”
The German replied, “Ya, that vill not be a problem.”

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?”
“Ya, that vill be done,” says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Vhy, ya.”
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just…”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”

If we could shrink the Earths population to a village of precisely 100 people,
with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something
like the following.

There would be:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both North and South

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire worlds wealth and all 6 would be from
the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death

1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer