Old and New Jokes

One day, a man walked into the dentists office for some dental work.

The dentist said, Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?

The man looked at the dentist and said, None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist said, Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller. The man looked back at the dentist and said, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.

The dentist said, Sir, Im telling you, use a painkiller.

The man again said to the dentist, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.

The dentist then said, Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?

The man said, Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life

The dentist then said, Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?

The man replied, When I reached the end of the chain.

There was a farmer working on his fence when a drifter stopped to chat.

The drifter told the farmer that he was awfully thirsty and asked if he could have a bucket to go get some milk from the milkweed in his field.

The farmer chuckled, and said,

Hell boy, if you think you can get milk from milkweed, Ill give you two buckets!

Shaking his head and laughing the farmer watched him walk down through the field.

He yelled for his wife to come outside. Honey, there is a dumbass out yonder thinkin hes gonna get milk from milkweed!

The farmers wife giggled,Theres nothing wrong with having an imagination.

The farmer started working on his fence again. About 30 minutes later the drifter came carrying two buckets of milk.

I sure do appreciate it, sir. Some honey sure would be good with this milk. I see that you have honeysuckle over there, said the drifter.

Puzzled, the farmer said, Well, now I guess youre thinkin you gonna get honey out of honeysuckles.

Only with your permission, sir.

Intrigued, the farmer hesitated, then went and got the drifter two more buckets.

The drifter went off through the field.

The farmer yelled for his wife to come outside again. This milk here is a little hard to figure out, but I know good and damn well that boys not gonna get honey from honeysuckles!

Sure enough here the drifter came, with two buckets full of honey.

Well, Ill be!, squeeled the farmer.

If I could just trouble you one more time sir, then Ill be on my way… I see that you have some pussywillow over there.

Wait up boy, Im goin with you!

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his
train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the
door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him
saying,

All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get
on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to
change seats, change seats now cause the trains getting ready to
leave. Whoo whooooo.

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up,
you cant play with your train set for two hours.

So the boy took his nap and didnt even mention his train set for
two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he
could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he
understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he
went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the
train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to
get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who
are pissed cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in
the kitchen.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

(This got passed around Microsoft a few days ago. Thought you might
appreciate it. – Ellen)

Hardware Question of the Day

A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse
card. After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the
Mouse Users Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: Can
you hold on while I give it a try?

The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the receiver was
set down. The following conversation ensued:

(in whispers)

Hes right. It is on page 9.

I told you to look in the book.

I know, I know. Hes still on the line. You talk to him.

I didnt call him. I didnt screw up. You talk to him.

Why dont you just hang it up. Maybe he wont notice.

Okay.

Cluck. Click. Buzz (dial tone).

-Glen

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. He was seen hopping and jumping around, said police spokesman Mike Carey, with an explosion taking place inside his pants. Police have the mans charred trousers in custody.

Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be Genesis copycats.