Old and New Jokes

A feature of America On Line (AOL) is detailed member profiles. At the bottom of each profile is a space for a personal quote. Below are some that I thought were funny.

Ill never forget a face, but in your case Ill make an exception
– Groucho
Someone asked, How are you, I said, Not yet.
– Jack Bailey
If a tree falls in a forest with no one around.. does anyone care?
My way of joking is telling the truth. That is the funniest joke of all.
– G.B.Shaw
Never attribute to malice that which can be accounted for by stupidity.
I knew youd be checking this. Thats why its strategically vague.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there Ill never know.
– G.Marx
Why are you checking my profile?
Are cataracts… genetic blueblockers?
The toilet is the only place where everyone knows what they are doing.
Nancy Kerrigan has more teeth in her mouth than Jeffery Dahmer had in his entire refrigerator!

… and my all time favorite AOL profile quote (so far) is …

A billion quadrillion tons of exploding hydrogen nuclei rose over the horizon and managed to look small, cold and slightly damp.

The quote credited to the late Jack Bailey of the tv show Queen For A Day is mine own profile quote and is para-phrasing a real life incident in my life.

The story behind it is as follows.

I was going to a charity dinner to hear Jack Bailey speak and rushed into the mens room to take a quick #1 before going in to be seated. You know how you look to see whos next to you at the urnal?

Well I looked up and over and saw it was Jack Bailey. I didnt know such a famous person and in an awkward way asked, Hi Jack, How are you?

He looked down at what he was doing and said, Not yet.

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, My cock is longer than that cats tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, Just a moment! Where did you measure that cats tail from?

From the asshole. says the bartender.

Well, kindly do me the same favor.

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender if you give me a free bottle of beer Ill show you my dancing duck. The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if hes doing an Irish jig.

Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.

So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.

The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?

The man replies, Oh thats easy, you just take the hot coals out.

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the wauter and shouts “Stop that!” To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila.
He looks at them and says OK and pours their shots.

They all clink glasses and and yell, 51 days! Then they proceed to slam the
shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide
to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more
gleefully yell, Only 51 days!

The bartender finally cant stand wondering what they are talking about and asks
them what they mean by only 51 days.

One of the blondes looks at him and says, Well, looking very smug, We just
finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days… and on the box it said 4-7
years.

Some years ago, the now-defunct airline Braniff advertised their business class section with leather seats and more leg room with the following: Fly in leather with three more inches. Spanish for in leather is en cuero. However, en cueros means naked. The Spanish version of Braniffs slogan thus became: Fly naked with three more inches. What a manly airline …

I heard this from some friends the other day:

Q: Can you name Santas reindeer?

(after the askee goes through Dasher, Dancer, … Blitzen, and Rudolph, you say:)

A: No, theres one more: Olive, the other reindeer

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.

It says: Press Any Key
It means: Press any key you like but Im not moving.

It says: Press A Key
(This ones a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the A key.)

It says: Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E
It means: … where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that its a hardware problem.

It says: Installing program to C:Directory …
It means: … And Ill also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where youll NEVER find them.

It says: Please insert disk 11
It means: Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.

It says: Cannot read from drive D: …
It means: … However, if you put the CD in right side up …

It says: Please Wait …
It means: … Indefinitely.

It says: Directory does not exist …
It means: … any more. Whoops.

It says: The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.
It means: … Makes no difference to me, youre still not getting your work back.

Three guys are sitting at the bar, when a stranger walked in and took a stool at the far end of the bar. The three guys were tranfixed on the stranger, who bear a striking resemblance to Jesus.

For quite a while they were speculating if in fact it was the Son of God himself. Finally Joe stands up and said he would find out for sure and walked down to the end of the bar, but before he could even open his mouth, the stranger said, you have had constant pain in your lower back for many years, and so I say unto you Be healed. Instantly the pain left his body. He ran back to tell the others. Tom said that it was bullshit and went down to the end of the bar, but again before he could say anything, the stranger said, since you were a child you have had an inferior left eye, Be heal and see the world the way God intended. Toms bad eye was seeing as well as the other. Both 20/20. He came back to inform the others. Mack just set there, well Im not going down there – come hell or high water. Just then the stranger started walking toward Mack. Finally he was less than ten feet away from him Mack yells out, Stay away from me you son of a bitch…Im on Disability.