Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Julie!
Julie who!
Julie you door unlocked?

One Sunday morning, while walking to church, Paddy askes Bridget, Bridget, do we have sexual relations?

Bridget: Not on my side of the family, we dont.

Q. Whats Irish foreplay?

A. Brace yourself, Bridget!

Q. What is the most useless thing on a womans body?

A. An Irishman.

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

Q. What is Black and White and Red all over?

A. A Newspaper

The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station:

Hello, this is God. Whenever Im in Pittsburgh–which is all the time,
since Im omnipresent–I listen to all the radio stations at once,
including WRCT.

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a
round the world tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and
finally came to a grinding halt.

The Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the
passengers,Friends,we are in trouble. The Gods are angry with us. We
need to give a sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their
lives so that the rest of us can be saved.

All of them moved towards the front deck whereas Japanese came forward
and shouted Long live Japan and jumped into the sea.

Then an Israeli Jew stepped forward and said Hallelujah and dived into
the sea.

After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at
each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the
railing and chanted,

Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal,

waheGuruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh,

Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga,

JaiHanuman, Jai Sri Ram,

Jai siva-sankar,

Jai baba nanak di,

Jai jawan jai kissan

and finally yelled to the top of his voice,
Bharat mata ki jai,

and kicked the Pakistani standing next to him in the sea!

Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff.

Hillary says to Chelsea, My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, Im so proud!

Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question. Say, I was just wondering since youre all grown up now. Have you , um , had sex yet?.

Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds.

Um, not according to dad.!

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?

A: When the other tenors notice.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilots story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the SAME Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people inside.The same pilot jumped out with hands raised and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Morris walks into Dr. Cohens office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, I cant talk, please help me!

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, Put your penis on the table here. Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris penis with it as hard as he can.

The man cries in great agony, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Then the doctor says, Good, come again tomorrow and well learn B!