These snippets from Polish Police reports – purported to be true – have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

• The corpse was very well-exposed – nicely arranged into the door frame.
• The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
• The suspect relieved himself – soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
• I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
• Throwing water on the victim did not help – the deceased remained dead.
• On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner – also dead.
• With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
• Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
• The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
• The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
• The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
• A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
• I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
• He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
• On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
• The owner struck the horse until death.
• At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
• In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
• It was a dog of Alsatian make.
• The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
• The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.