Questionnaire to find out if you are a steamer

Are You A Steamer?

Steamer – A person, normally female and also normally of 45+ years, who refusing to accept her age makes desperate attempts to appear 20+ years younger.

Take this questionnaire to find out if you are a steamer:

Your wardrobe consists mainly of:

tailored suits and silk blouses – you spend most of your time at the office
sweats, jeans and t-shirts – designed for your active lifestyle
spandex pants in neon colors, halter tops and mini-skirts which you share with your 14 year-old daughter.

Your hair is:

exquisitely highlighted by one of the finer salons in your city
your natural color
the palest white blonde you can get from a bottle.

Your favourite place to buy clothing:

Saks, Holt-Renforth – only the finest quality will do
K-Mart, Walmart – youd rather spend your hard-earned money on more important things
Contempo Casual, Suzies or wherever it is your teenaged daughter and her friends shop.

Your complexion is:

pale white – you never have time to be outdoors
slightly tanned or sunburned from your recent Florida vacation
deeply tanned – you have a life-long membership with an indoor tanning parlour.

Your nails are:

short,square,painted a light frosted pink
youd prefer not to show them – as theyve become ragged from the gardening you love
3.5 centimeters acrylics painted fire-engine red.

You and your husband are meeting friends for dinner; you wear:

well-made black slacks with matching jacket and black pumps.
jeans and a sweater – your friends wont expect you to dress up.
leopard skin spandex pants with halter top and stilletto heels.

Your cosmetics:

A dozen items in shades suitable for the office applied and blended for a natural look as taught to you by a professional make-up artist.
tinted moisterizer, sunscreen and mascara is all you ever use.
Hazel Bishops jet black mascara with matching eye-liner, several pairs of false eyelashes, neon coloured lipsticks, rouge, and several jars of expensive face creams – hey, being glamourous takes work.

Your career of past 10 years has been:

investment banker
nursing or medical related
receptionist or restaraunt hostess.

Your residence:

a rental condo in a highrise in the center of financial district – perfect for the entertaining your work requires
a chalet in the country side – its worth the commute to be there.
a track house in the suburbs you bought for its walking access to several shopping centers.

You just found out you won $12000 on your lottery ticket! You:

Impossible! You wouldnt be caught dead buying a lottery ticket.
Remind yourself to ask your cousin Patti for investment advice when you see her this weekend
Rush to the telephone to find a plastic surgeon who does breast implants.

You fantasize about a career in:

Owning your own company
Applied Biotechnology
modeling or topless dancing – youve still got what it takes.

The magazines you subscribe to:

National Geographic,Redbook and Readers Digest
Cosmopolitan,Young & Modern,Seventeen

From a distance people sometimes mistake you for:

Susan Sarandon
Elle Macpherson
the woman from the Psychic Friends Network commercials.

Speaking of celebrities, you fancy you resemble:

Meryl Streep and Jodie Foster
Sandra Bullock and Geena Davis
Pamela Anderson and a young Christie Brinkley.

Your bathroom is decorated in:

High-Tech patterns of black and white, modern lighting
Lavender-based floral wallpaper with an old-fashioned bathtub.
Pictures of yourself topless, taken in the Greek Islands by a former lover.

Your vehicle

Two-seater imported sports-car.
Ford Taurus
84 Japanese import-the only thing you can afford after you buy your clothes each month.


Count the number of C answers you selected.

3 or less

You are definitely NOT a steamer. Your education, good-taste or preoccupation with domestic matters will most likely prevent you from ever becoming a steamer.


While you are most likely Not a steamer, you may have picked up one or two of these unflattering habits from your mother. If you are not yet 40, then save this article and take the test regularly. Seek help if your score goes up.


Better be Carefull as you clearly have tendencies to steamerism. Throw out all of your low-cut tops and spandex and vow never to wear them again. Lose the tan and RUN to the beauty salon for hair coloring correction.

8 or More

No doubt about it… your a steamer tried and true. Your probably used to being followed by pre-teenage boys in grocery stores by now. You may be contemplating stealing your daughters boyfriend. As its too late to undo the habits and images ingrained in you, consider buying a red convertable and moving to Hawaii.

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