If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with
the Face you can Rip Right Off, youd better get it. You may
be worried that it might help to encourage your childs
antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen anti-
social tendencies until youve seen a child who is convinced
that he or she did not get the right gift. –Dave Barry

Sometimes people ask me: Dave, what is the essence of
parenthood? I always answer: Lowering your standards. –Dave Barry

It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows. –Erma Bombeck

One of my more effective parental strategies is to make Lists of Rules to be Obeyed And I Really Mean it This Time, and post these articles on the refrigerator in the kitchen so my children will have a written record of what they are ignoring. –W. Bruce Cameron

A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.
–Carolyn Coats

Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love most is
soap-on-a-rope.
–Bill Cosby

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding
the mouth that bites you. –Peter de Vries

We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
–Phyllis Diller

There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
–R.W. Emerson

Mom will clean up everything. Scientists have proven that a
moms spit is the exact chemical composition of Formula 409.
Moms spit on a Kleenex: You get rust off a bumper with that
thing. –Jeff Foxworthy

When youre a parent youre a prisoner of war. You cant go
anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your
kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents
an hour, and theyd steam clean the carpet and detail your
car. Now theyve got their own union. I couldnt afford it,
so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a
scab and beat her up on the front lawn. –Robert G. Lee

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything
that feels GOOD for 36 hours. –Rita Rudner

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is
to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. –Harry Truman

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second
baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
–Unknown