Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza. –Dave Barry

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

–Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love

Apparently a new galaxy is being formed or something. But
what it is, is they have discovered a huge cloud of dust
out there. And scientists believe if they could look and
see under the dust, they would find an enormous exercise
bicycle. –Bill Maher

I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same
time because one wasnt giving me enough food. –Barry Marter

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30
years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. –Calvin Trillin

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people. –Orson Welles