In reference to Santa is a woman: Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal that Santa has to be a man. Delegation … thats the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. Wed have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet … there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) Thats a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Years Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, shed be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boys house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving ones self esteem. Christmas just wouldnt be the same.

Ill tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer … Dasher, Comet, Blitzen … If those arent male names for football players, than Im an elf.

And if that isnt proof enough, consider the following:

Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:

Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, well give him Christmas Eve & Day),

And yet think he was a saint?

And the clincher: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.