AT&T fired PresidentJohn Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". Hereceived a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lackingintelligence…….With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police inOakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricadedhimself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that theman was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up….And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to havea gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated tellermachines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…. …And These Nitwits Are TeachingOur Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspensionunder his elementary schools drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoefferallegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, WestVirginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. Schoolprincipal Forest Mann reiterated the schools "zero-tolerance" policy…not tobe confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy…. Some Days, It Just Doesnt Pay toGnaw Through the Straps…. Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowners newlyinstalled fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than lastyear," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my newsecurity system…" And for the Main Course…. Aman in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarettelighters, and a pair of salad tongs.. The Getaway A man walked into aTopeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, thetake was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for threehours until police showed up and grabbed him.. Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! InOhio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inchwire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to helphim find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn thatthe man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drilland had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.. Have I Got a Deal for You! More than600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece forthe first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be spacetravelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors ofruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis andenjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running thisscam made off with over six million dollars…. Too Well-Educated In Medford,Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder ofthree people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If Ihad chosen another field, all this may not have happened…" Did I Say That?! Police in LosAngeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during alineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Giveme all your money or Ill shoot," the man shouted, "Thats not what Isaid!"Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach gota nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in hisFruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants ashe was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside hispants." Police have the mans charred trousers in custody…. Are We Not Communicating? A manspoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are onlytwo minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Not the Sharpest Knife in theDrawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank ofAmerica branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, butunfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he usesfor a knife..