Old and New Jokes

For years and years they told me,



Be careful of your breasts.



Dont ever squeeze or bruise them.



And give them monthly tests.



So I heeded all their warnings,



And protected them by law.



Guarded them very carefully,



And I always wore my bra.



After 30 years of astute care,



My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,



Said I should get a Mammogram.



O.K, I said, lets do it.



Stand up here real close she said,



(She got my boob in line,)



And tell me when it hurts, she said,



Ah yes! Right there, thats fine.



She stepped upon a pedal,



I could not believe my eyes!



A plastic plate came slamming down,



My hooters in a vice!



My skin was stretched and mangled,



From underneath my chin.



My poor boob was being squashed,



To Swedish Pancake thin.



Excruciating pain I felt,



Within its vice-like grip.



A prisoner in this vicious thing,



My poor defenseless tit!



Take a deep breath she said to me,



Who does she think shes kidding?!?



My chest is mashed in her machine,



And woozy I am getting.



There, thats good, I heard her say,



(The room was slowly swaying.)



Now, lets have a go at the other one.



Have mercy, I was praying.



It squeezed me from both up and down,



It squeezed me from both sides.



Ill bet SHES never had this done,



To HER tender little hide.



Next time that they make me do this,



I will request a blindfold.



I have no wish to see again,



My knockers getting steamrolled.



If I had no problem when I came in,



I surely have one now.



If there had been a cyst in there,



It would have gone ker-pow!



This machine was created by a man,



Of this, I have no doubt.



Id like to stick his balls in there,



And see how THEY come out.