PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

— Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.

— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22

I havent committed a crime.

What I did was fail to comply with the law.

— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.

— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history… this centurys history…. We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.

— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.

— Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. Its only the people who make them less safe.

— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

Ive always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.

— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.