Im going fishing.

Really means… Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car.

Really means…. Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.



Woman driver.

Really means…. Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.



I dont care what color you paint the kitchen.

Really means…. As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.



Its a guy thing.

Really means…. There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.



Can I help with dinner?

Really means…. Why isnt it already on the table?



Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.

Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.



Good idea.

Really means…. Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.



Have you lost weight?

Really means…. Ive just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.



My wife doesnt understand me.

Really means…. Shes heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.



It would take too long to explain.

Really means…. I have no idea how it works.



Im getting more exercise lately.

Really means…. The batteries in the remote are dead.



I got a lot done.

Really means…. I found Waldo in almost every picture.



Were going to be late.

Really means…. Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.



Hey, Ive read all the classics.

Really means…. Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.



You cook just like my mother used to.

Really means…. She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.



I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind.

Really means…. I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.



Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.

Really means…. I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.



Thats interesting, dear.

Really means…. Are you still talking?



Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.

Really means…. I forgot our anniversary again.



You expect too much of me.

Really means…. You want me to stay awake.



Its a really good movie.

Really means…. Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.



Thats womens work.

Really means…. Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.



Will you marry me?

Really means…. Both my roommates have moved out, I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.



You know how bad my memory is.

Really means…. I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.



I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.

Really means…. The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.



Football is a mans game.

Really means…. Women are generally too smart to play it.



Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.

Really means…. I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.



I do help around the house.

Really means…. I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.



Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.

Really means…. And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.



I cant find it.

Really means…. It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.



But I hate to go shopping.

Really means…. Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.



Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.

Really means…. I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.



I heard you.

Really means…. I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.



You know I could never love anyone else.

Really means…. I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.



You look terrific.

Really means…. Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.



I brought you a present.

Really means…. It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.



I missed you.

Really means…. I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.



Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.

Really means…. No one will ever see us alive again.



We share the housework.

Really means…. I make the messes, she cleans them up.



This relationship is getting too serious.

Really means…. I like you more than my truck.



I recycle.

Really means…. We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.



Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.

Really means…. Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?



It sure snowed last night.

Really means…. I suppose youre going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.



Its good beer.

Really means…. It was on sale.



I dont need to read the instructions.

Really means….I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.



Ill fix the garbage disposal later.

Really means….If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.



Ill take you to a fancy restaurant.

Really means….Someplace that doesnt have a drive-thru window.



I broke up with her.

Really means…. She dumped me.