All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE –

If youre going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!

My mother taught me RELIGION –

You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me LOGIC:

Because I said so, thats why.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT –

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY –

Keep laughing and Ill *give* you something to cry out.

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS –

Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM –

Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA –

Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished.

My mother taught me about WEATHER –

It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS –

If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY –

If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times – dont exaggerate!!!

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE –

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION –

Stop acting like your father!

My mother taught me about ENVY –

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!