Old Jokes | New Jokes

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football — see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, I need some tampons!!
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible Sex and Candy
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this shit, anyway?
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of womens panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
* Put M&Ms on layaway.
* Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,…Im Batman. Come, Robin — to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect…)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no ones watching, quickly switch the mens and womens signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyones jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
* Two words: Marco Polo.
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* Re-alphabetize the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! Its those voices again!
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you dont get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: Hi! (giggle) Whats your sign? (giggle). When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. Hi! (giggle) Whats your sign? (giggle).
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?
* Ride a display bicycle through the store — claim youre taking it for a test drive.
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples carts when they arent paying attention.