Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Um, I mean… Um, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Youve reached my moms basement, where I continue to live, despite the fact that I am in my mid-40s.

I have no life.

[BEEP]

You have reached the private secure CIA hotline.

This call has been traced, and you may expect 30 angry agents to kick down your door at any moment.

[BEEP]

(To be left on an answering machine, or as a general prank call)

You know, the strangest thing happened to me today… I asked the devil for a condom, and he gave me three. I asked the devil for a dollar, and he gave me ten. Then I asked the devil for a ho and he gave me this number.

Thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline. Please leave your name, number, and a brief description of your chosen method of demise, and well be sure to get back to you sometime within the next week or so.

[BEEP]

Thank you for calling the Motion Picure Association of America. We cant come to the phone right now, as were too busy bribing various politicians to pass laws favorable to us, and over-dramatically pretenting that Hollywod is going out of business because of VCRs and DVD burners.

At the sound of the tone, please scratch all of your DVDs with a key or other sharp object, and proceed immediately to the store to repurchase them over and over.