Christmas on the Enterprise

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship

Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip:

The phasers were hung in the armory securely,

In hope that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks

(Except for the few who were partying drunks)

And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,

Had just settled down for a neat face to face. . .
When out in the hall there arose such a racket,

That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.

Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,

Leapt into the turbos and shouted Deck One!

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,

Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.

When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,

But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,

That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.

Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

Its Riker, Its Data, Its Worf and Jean-Luc!

Its Geordi, Weasley, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hull!

Now float away! Float away! Float away all!
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,

So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,

As the captain called out, what the Hell is this, Q?!

And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from head to toe,

Appeared once again, to continue the show.

Thats enough! creid the captain, Youll stop this at once!

And Riker said, Worf, take aim at this dunce!

Im deeply offended, Jean-Luc, replied Q,

I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you.
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.

He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

Ive brought gifts, he daid, just to show Im sincere.

Theres someting delightful for everyone here.

He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,

And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
For Counselor Troi, theres no need to explain,

Heres Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf Ive some mints, as his breaths not too great

And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;

For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, theres sleek lingerie,

And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way.

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,

And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!

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