01
Mar

Even more ways to get rid of your roommate!

Im beginning to think that the person who keeps sending me these is mad at their roommate. 🙂

Magdalena

Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, Let me in. Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Talk on the phone a lot. Dont pick up the receiver.
Talk to your roommate but dont let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
Start a brothel.
Constantly slip and fall — on your carpet.
Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down. Check every time to make sure s/he follows it.
Invite the Dean to sleep over.
Invite the school President to sleep over.
Invite your roommate to sleepover. Put out sleeping bags.
Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.
Walk into walls.
Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, Im melting, Im melting!
When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, Im watching you.
Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, Speedy Delivery! until s/he comes out.
Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that youve turned into Gumby.
Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
Wear a silly hat.
Tell him/her that youre committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that youre afraid of aliens.
Eat raw pasta for dinner.
Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantalope. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, I bought it for the articles.
Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, damn diarrhea.
Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you dont know what hes talking about.
Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.
Place porn mags around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute. Smile.
Whenever youre talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences (Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his name to your conversation (Can you give me the -Dan – notes for fridays physics class?). If your roommate comments act as if you dont know what he/she is talking about.
Mix chemicals in your kitchen all the time, ask your roomate to not walk too heavily. Explain that the explosives are incredibly sensitive at times.
Wake up screaming every morning in terror, screaming Nononononono NOT MY ROOMATE! until he comes in. Start sobbing and crying.
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, Its not funny anymore.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, I was curious.
Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, Oh, that damn hypnotist….
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, How nice to see you again.
Recite Dr. Seuss books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them.
Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like the enemy.
Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, Your momma isnt here to take care of you any more.
Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, In a little while Ill have enough for that sailboat.
Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like youre trying to read something. Tell your roommate its a message from God, but youre not sure whether its a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

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