For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought yall might enjoy my journal:

Day 1:

Started the morning at 5:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2:

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full 17 miles. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed numerous hernias. Driving was okay as long as I didnt try to steer. Tanya was a little impatient with me & said my screaming was bothering the other members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair machine. Why would anyone invent something to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. Shes a sadist.

Day 4:

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. Gee, I cant help it if I was an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells — not a chance, slut. The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the mens room until that dyke sent Lars in after me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing machine. It sank. I flagged down an ambulance for a ride home.

Day 5:

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body able to move, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I had news for Tanya — I dont have triceps. And if you dont want dents in the floor dont hand me any barbells. That girl and her steel bra, hates all men. The treadmill flung me back into the wall. I had to call a neighbor to come get me. He took me home on a stretcher in the back of his pick-up truck.

Day 6.

Got Tanyas message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I called in sick at work; 3rd day in a row. Ive requested an unlisted telephone number from the phone company.

Day 7.

Well, thats the week. Thank God thats over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free root canals at the dentists. Im sitting here relaxing, barely able to move. Cant even work the TV remote. Well, 6 hours of a Pledge Drive on the the Public Broadcasting System cant be all that bad.