Helpful advice for tourists in England

Hello, and welcome to England, Youll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.

Street Traders

Use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, dont be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard.

Coming by car?

Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges.


Look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; dont be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automatically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.


This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted. London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you dont, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.
Ask them to take you to the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.
Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points.
Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.
Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.
If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi; get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.

The Police

Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as: Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet? or Is that a truncheon youve got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?. Dont call them Bobby though; try sweetie, ducky, or woodentop instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction. Dont forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask.

Look out for the next edition of Tourist Tips for England, in which well feature The Albert Hall – best least-known tourist hotel in towm, Take Tea with the PM at Number Ten, and What is the REAL significance of Beefeaters at the Tower of London? Discrete gay quarters you may not know about.

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