16
Nov

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now.
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up! and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog Dog.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with Thats what YOU think.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off in case the big one comes.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad, the Archies Sugar or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to interface with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!
* Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a magic picture.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend tricorder and scan people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

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