How to tell if youre throwing a successful party

Festivity Level One

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

Festivity Level Two

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing I Gotta Be Me.

Festivity Level Three

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to I Cant Get No Satisfaction.

Festivity Level Four

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally dont want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive.

If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they dont arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isnt you.

Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: Weve come in response to the complaints.

You: Complaints? It isnt about the drugs, is it?

Police: No, sir, not drugs.

You: The guns, then? Theyre complaining about the guns?

Police: No, sir. Its about the noise.

You: Oh, thats all right then. Cause there sure arent any guns or drugs here, heh heh.

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?

Police: No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas.

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: There, you see? Its winding down already.

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