* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.

* Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a Nice hustle, youll get em next time would pretty much do it.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like The Lone Ranger.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* Sorry Im late, but I was out getting wasted last night would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said Youre #1!

* Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too.

* St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

* But it would be celebrated every month!

* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?
You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.
Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.

* Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 proof.

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation