21
May

In The News – Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING – may be offensive to Los Angelenos, Tiny Tim, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, OJ Simpson and women who marry serial killers on death row (sounds like a topic for a talk show…). Includes American politics.

In last weeks debate, Bob Dole accused Bill Clinton of not sticking to his platform. Well, at least he didnt fall off it…

At the end of the debate, Dole closed by inviting young people to check out his Web site. This could be the most tragic attempt at looking hip since William Shatner recorded Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.

In the polls, both Dole and Clinton scored points as agents of change. Right. Each of them motivated millions of Americans to change the channel.

When the stock market hit a record high, Bill Clinton took full credit. When poverty fell to a new low, Clinton took full credit. When unmarried pregnancies declined, well… they dragged him off the stage just in time…

In a television ad featuring Elizabeth Dole, Mrs. Dole says her husband is telling the truth about tax cuts, and that he doesnt make promises unless he intends to keep them. Thats the SECOND Mrs. Dole for those of you keeping track of vows.

The President signed a proclamation declaring this National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I think hes in trouble now – Judge Fujisaki may cite him for violating the gag order.*

Richard Ramirez, known as the Night Stalker, got married last week. Apparently the bride was looking for someone tall, dark and heinous. Since hes on death row, he cant have sex with his new wife, or even talk to her very much. Its almost like theyve been married for years. It turns out the girl misunderstood her mothers advice – she said go find yourself A NICE DOCTOR… not a Night Stalker…

To his credit, Ramirez sais he wants to settle down and change his lifestyle. In fact, hes looking for a day stalking job. (Jay Leno)

The latest book about the OJ Simpson case, An American Tragedy, claims Robert Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran and other defense team members became convinced of Simpsons guilt by the end of the trial. Yeah, about the same time the checks started bouncing.

The Orioles controversial Roberto Alomar won his sixth straight Gold Glove award. It was an emotional moment – there wasnt a dry umpire in the whole place.

Disney received approval to build a new theme park called The California Adventure. The park will include such hits as Mudslideland, Earthquakeland, Riotland and Infernoland.

In Los Angeles, Northrop Grumman unveiled its new stealth bus, made from materials similar to those used in the B-2 bomber. Stealth buses are nothing new in LA – you could wait at a bus stop for hours and never see one.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian came to the aid of a bicyclist injured in a traffic accident. When the victim saw who was working on him, he said, Wait! I want a second opinion! Despite his heroic efforts, the victim survived.

Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who resigned as surgeon general amid furor over her support for teaching kids about masturbation, has a new book out. I bought a copy – just for the articles, of course. I had a hard time finding it – I didnt know if it was in with the biographies or with the do-it-yourself books.

Tiny Tim is out of the hospital after suffering a heart attack on stage. While he has no chance of ever being normal, doctors hope he can return to his old self in no time.

A stolen Picasso portrait was recoverd. The painting was thoroughly checked to make sure everything was out of place.

A bill was signed into law making air travel safer and less frightening. I guess this means no more in-flight meals?

M & M candies are being made in several new colors, including teal green, dark pink and light orange. A company spokesman said, We got a great deal on Dennis Rodmans leftover hair dyes.

And finally, police in Peoria, Illinois arrested a 30 year old woman, protesting the incarceration of her husband, after she was discovered on the lawn of the jailhouse completely nude and fondling herself in full view of all the inmates inside. Police arrested her because they said she turned otherwise harmless prisoners into HARDENED criminals!!!

*Judge Fujisaki is presiding over the OJ Simpson civil trial.

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