If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

You could do worse. Ill work so hard you wont even know Im there. Ill need all my paid vacation time up front so Ill be rested when I start. You cant turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason. If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last. That big thing growing on my face isnt my fault. I dont do drugs at work any more. And I probably wont I can go all day without peeing once. If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me. If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath. I wont sue you when you fire me. My arrest record is all a bunch of lies. Iff you kin reed my handriting, aint that gud enuff fer me to get the job? I was a sniper in the Army. The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didnt pass the tests. They wasnt being fair to me because they dont like me. I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner. If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to. Ill need a company car and a driver because I cant legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there. If you hire me dont tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off. The sticky stuff on my sleeve isnt what you think. You dont have the BALLS to hire someone like me! If you hire me I will show up. Thats all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try. When do we eat? How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again? Dont go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was

18. I dont hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!! If you give me a job youre OK but if you dont you suck. I dont DO applications. If I work here Ill wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want. This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off! I wont have to do anything, will I If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke? Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center? I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right? Im not what? Oh yeah? Well heres what you can do with your friggin job…