Moms Dictionary
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- Adults
- Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like who touched who first.
- Airplane
- What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
- Alien
- What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
- Apple
- Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
- Baby
- 1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42. - Bathroom
- A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
- Because
- Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.
- Bed and Breakfast
- Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
- Carpet
- Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off
shoes. - Car Pool
- Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
- China
- Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
- Cook
- 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Moms other name. - Couch Potato
- What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
- Date
- Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the
kids in a different setting. - Drinking Glass
- Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
- Dust
- Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone. - Dust Rags
- See Dads Underwear.
- Ear
- A place where kids store dirt.
- Eat
- What kids do between meals, but not at them.
- Empty Nest
- See Wishful Thinking.
- Energy
- Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something. - Excuse Me
- One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
times by children. - Eye
- The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be
put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled
butter knife. - Fable
- A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
- Food
- The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats
for dinner tonight? See Sarcasm. - Frozen
- 1. A type of food.
2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle. - Garbage
- A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing
herself. - Geniuses
- Amazingly, all of Moms kids.
- Gum
- Adhesive for the hair.
- Hamper
- A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
containing, dirty clothing. - Handi-Wipes
- Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
- Hands
- Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal. - Hindsight
- What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
- Homemade Bread
- An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the
Golden Fleece. - Ice
- Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty. - Inside
- That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside. - I Said So
- Reason enough, according to Mom.
- Jackpot
- When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.
- Jeans
- Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals. - Jeeeeeeeez!
- Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do
to embarrass me in front of my friends? - Joy Ride
- Going somewhere without the kids.
- Junk
- Dads stuff.
- Ketchup
- The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that
Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just
right. - Kiss
- Mom medicine.
- Lake
- Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends
do so. - Lemonade Stand
- Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net
a profit of 15 cents. - Lie
- An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs paper-mache
volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a
full-ride scholarship to Harvard. - Losers
- See Kids Friends.
- Makeup
- Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look like a tramp. - Maybe
- No.
- Milk
- A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa. - Mommmmmmmm!
- The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
- Mush
- 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2. Main element of Moms favorite movies. - Nails
- A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men
and/or doll clothing. - Panic
- What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
- Ocean
- What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy
boats, cars and animals. - Open
- The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of
company. - Overstuffed Recliner
- Moms nickname for Dad.
- Penitentiary
- Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean
their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom. - Pets
- Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after. - Piano
- A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse
to play in front of company. - Purse
- A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy
bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons. - Quiet
- A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of
the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for
college. - Raincoat
- Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing. - Refrigerator
- Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the
kitchen. - Room Mother
- A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a
mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. - School Play
- Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic
events. - Screaming
- Home P.A. system.
- Snowsuits
- Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom. - Soap
- A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her
kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel. - Spit
- All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids faces.
- Spoiled Rotten
- What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
- Sweater
- Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds,
and even pneumonia. - Sunday Best
- Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice. - Teacher Conference
- A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her childs special needs. - Terrible Twos
- Having both kids at home all summer.
- That Way
- How kids shouldnt look at moms if they know Whats good for
them. Also applies to how they talk. - Towels
- See Floor Coverings
- Tramp
- A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
- Trouble
- Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
- Umpteenth
- Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must
instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
- Underwear
- An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the
wearer will never have an accident. - Utopia
- See Bubble Bath
- Vacation
- Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to
find it there, too. - Vitamins
- Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just
like Daddy. - Walls
- Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
- Washing Machine
- Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum. - When Your Father Gets Home
- Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
- XOXOXOXO
- Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying. - Xylophone
- Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children
who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over
and over, all day long. See also Drums - Yard Sale
- Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell
kids outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are
treasured mementos she cant bear to part with. - Yippee!
- What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was
changed to 12 months. See also Yahoo! - Zillion
- Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already
this week. - Zucchini
- Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
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